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City Drivers Agree, Cycling Infractions Should Be Punishable By Death

June 3, 2014

London – A recent study of urban motorists finds that most agree that cycling infractions should be punishable by death. 92% of drivers felt that cyclists were a social plague, and 88% felt that being plowed down by a large vehicle was an appropriate response to weaving in traffic. Just over 90% believed that rolling through a stop sign warranted vehicular manslaughter.

“I’m not surprised by the response,” said Arnold Gerber, a daily car commuter in central London. “You see those cyclists up front by the red lights, and sometimes they pull off before it turns green. I just want to run them over when I see that.” Gerber’s comments capture the sentiments of most urban drivers, especially taxi and livery vehicles.

Thomas Willgrove, a delivery van driver said, “I’ve side swiped three cyclist and pretty sure I maimed one of them real good. Us delivery guys play this game – you get 10 points for a light hit, 25 if you break something, and 50 if you really run them over. I only have 45 points, but some of my mates who drive bigger trucks have loads!” Despite this, most drivers agreed, that when not in their vehicles, they had little view on cycling in the city.

“When I’m walking, I don’t even notice those guys – but when I’m in my Fiat, I just feel like I need to enforce traffic laws with the front of my car – or at least roll down my window and yell wildly at the bastards,” said Gerber, getting emotional. The Mayors office has yet to comment on the study, but it is expected that additionally safety measures such as painting portions of busy roadways slightly different colours, will help ensure the safety of urban cyclists.

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YoMamaCoin, Insult Based Digital Currency Finally Released

May 30, 2014

Lobtcndon – With Bitcoin continuing to make inroads as a global digital ‘crypto’ currency for everyday transactions, numerous alternative ‘altcoins’ have also sprung up with more niche purposes. This week saw the launch of what has been described as the world’s first insult currency – YoMamaCoin, a currency designed to publicly lambaste, insult, shame and deride people. The coin, which currently trades for mere fractions of a cent, allows users to quantify how much insult they wish to throw at any one entity. “Say for example you want to shit all over someone with digital insults, you simply send YoMamaCoin to their bitcoin address, and it will appear publicly. Everyone will be able to see how much YoMamaCoin they are accruing and thus, how much insult they are earning from the world,” said the YoMamaCoin team.

While the current system requires that whomever you want to insult with the shaming currency hold a bitcoin address, a public address that anyone can view the contents of, the Yo Mama team say that an easier system will be in place soon. “Soon you will be able to create an account for anyone – so for example, if you want to tell Kanye West how crap he really is, you can create a Kanye West account on our site, and then the whole world can get on with sending millions of YoMamaCoins to it, thus finally measuring the age-old question, of just how shit some celebrities are.” However small the real value of the coins the total value for some, such as Kanye West may add up to sizeable sums. To deal with that, YoMamaCoin is encouraging those who are truly hated on in mass, to donate their YoMamaCoin to charity. The YoMamaCoin team said, “we think we give the world the opportunity to insult easier while supporting good causes at the same time.”

YoMamaCoin currently trades as YMC on several exchanges online.

“Lost” Fans Called Upon to Aid With Malaysia Airlines Search

March 11, 2014

Kuala Lumpur – With few clues to work with and increasing pressure from families and Governments to find answers, investigators from Malaysia are now looking to the internet and ‘Lost’ fans for help.

“The similarities between flight MH370 and the first episodes of Lost are uncanny,” said Lee Kuna, a spokesperson for Malaysia Airlines. “Which is why we are asking all Lost fans to help in our search for the missing plane – and those onboard.” There are numerous islands near the location where the plane was last seen on radar, late Saturday evening. however, no signs of wreckage have been found by any of the numerous boats and planes scouring the search area.

Patrick Adney, a self-proclaimed mega-fan of Lost and owner of the fan website Lostjustthefacts.com said he welcomed the challenge. “As soon as the news broke on this incident I started thinking, oh my God, it’s happening, it’s episode one all over again. I’ve been on Google Earth since, trying to work out islands that could house DHARMA Initiative styled buildings and facilities. It’s exhausting but exciting.”

With still many questions and few answers, appeals to the public may grow in the coming days, as families and friends of those onboard flight 370 desperately wait for news.

David Blaine Considered a Suspect in Missing Malaysia Airlines Investigation

March 10, 2014

DBBeijing– As the investigation into the missing  Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 moved into its third day with still no clues as to what happened to the plane and its 239 passengers, officials have publicly announced several theories being actively pursued by local agencies. “We have three main theories right now; a catastrophic mechanical failure, terrorism, and – David Blaine. We can rule none of these out yet,” said a Malaysian official. Those with knowledge from within relevant agencies have said that David Blaine, famed American magician, illusionist and endurance artist – tops the list of most likely and capable of pulling off a feat of this scale.

“We have not released any additional suspect identities but will be working with relevant global agencies where necessary,” said Malaysian officials earlier today.  Blaine has been unreachable for comment, though sources including TMZ have indicated that he has been spotted as recently as last evening in New York City, where he lives.

Flight MH370 disappeared from radar while cruising at 35,000 feet, heading for Beijing Saturday night. There were no distress calls or known severe weather conditions to explain the incident, which continues to puzzle investigators. “As weird as it sounds – Blaine hasn’t had a special or big event in years, it really could explain alot here,” said one investigator with knowledge of the incident. Blaine has not yet been formally charged.

Feelings of Elation Muted, as Realization Sets in That Manager is in Fact Not Choking to Death

March 4, 2014

Bridgewater – Monday afternoon could have been what some have described in this call centre as, “a brilliant start to the week.” But for the unlucky fourth floor, Brian Baxter, a manager of more than 7-years here at Walley-Waxton Outsourcing Centre, had not completely choked to death during his lunch break. “I’d seen him go red in the face, his usual vitriolic and minorly racist banter had quieted,” said Darlein Hurst, a receptionist. “No one moved, but he was clearly choking on something.”

Medics called to the scene described the event as a near-miss, stating that Mr. Baxter, a deeply disdained manager at the organisation, had choked on a piece of chicken bone, caused by eating and talking at the same time. “We see these cases from time to time,” said medic Andrew Wilt, “but I’ve never seen a case where not one single person even attempted to help the victim… Mr. Baxter was lucky today.”

The afternoon was described as more dull and difficult than a typical Monday as word spread that Mr. Baxter nearly but not successfully choked to death, and would likely not miss more than a day of work.

Ed Harris Looking Forward to Inevitable Casting as Putin

March 3, 2014

Screen Shot 2014-03-03 at 10.20.42 PMHollywood – As tensions rise between Russia and the West, studios in Hollywood are already clamoring to begin production on what few scripts still abound with any relevance, pitting the United States against Russia in a wartime setting. “Putin has always made for an incredible living villain,” said Daniel Swchartzman, a producer with 20th Century Fox. “But cold war films haven’t been relevant for years and Russia just hasn’t mattered for a while in our industry.”

The sudden change in global politics has caught most in the film industry by surprise, from writers to producers, few if any have any material prepared to entertain audiences later this year or next with thrillers between the two great world powers. But few in Hollywood have any doubt as to who will be the most sought after actor of 2014. “Ed Harris!” shouted Harvey Weinstein, through a wheezing laugh. “He’s probably practicing martial arts and tiger training right now preparing for what will be the role of a life time for him,” he said. Bart Epstein, Ed Harris’s agent said, “My phone has been ringing non-stop for the past two weeks. Literally everyone in this damn town wants Ed for Putin – Films are being written up a dozen at a time, I don’t even have time to skim the things.”  Many industry insiders are predicting a number of films to be out by 2015 with themes of Russia v. West. “But only one is going to have Ed!” said Weinstein.

Public Left Wondering; Who Killed Trayvon Martin?

July 15, 2013

With George Zimmerman’s non-guilty verdict handed down by the court yesterday, many Americans are left wondering; Who killed Trayvon Martin?  Martin’s death by shooting in February last year left him in a permanent state of lifelessness, with family, friends and a nation wondering why. Now that the only known perpetrator in his death has been exonerated of murder, there is little left to do than ask average Americans to speculate wildly.

ID-10044402I’ve always subscribed to the Tupac theory in cases like this. I expect to see Trayvon a few years from now, probably on Law & Order or something. – Andy Jacobs, Accountant

 

 

ID-100168405I mean where is the gun in all of this? Surely that was the most responsible, don’t you think? -Whitney Frinsle, Baker

 

 

 

 

ID-10029092Well I guess only two people really saw what happened, and now we know one of them is totally innocent. So I guess, it was a suicide? – Jamie La Salle, Snake Fighter

 

 

 

photo:freedigitalimages.net

Study Confirms Professional Sports Cure Homosexuality

July 12, 2013

A study released by the Christian Organization for Cures and Kinship, has suggested that professional sports players are nearly all heterosexual as a result of spending the majority of their lives in highly active and closely knit all-male groups of athletes. The findings are being used by the group as well as other rehabilitation groups across the United States, to promote team sports as a way of ‘curing’ homosexuality.

The lead author of the study, Mark Herpsis said, “The study was rigorous and thoughtful. We looked at the NBA, MLB, NHL, NFL, college sports, international rugby and even Soccer, yea I know- Soccer, like the gayest sport ever, and you know what we found? Just about no traces of homosexuality. So it was clear to us, organized team sport either cures or keeps the symptoms of homosexuality under control.” The findings of the study, which were published earlier this month, have sparked off a considerable amount of controversy from gay rights groups internationally.

“This is absolute nonsense. Homosexuality is not a choice or an affliction! We believe this study flies in the face of reality and is total bullshit,” said Jeremy Jackson, leader of the Gay Rights Union and an openly non-professional sports player.

Despite angry reactions to the study as well as condemnation from numerous social scientists, the facts of the study do show that less than 1% of professional athletes are openly gay. “And that’s what is the real crux of our findings here. We have to continue with this work because there is something to it, this isn’t by accident,” added Herpsis.

Greenpeace Activists Seek Arctic, Climb London’s Shard Instead

July 11, 2013

111111111London – At least 6 female activists are currently climbing London’s Shard in an attempt to save the Arctic from destruction by oil and gas drilling. The activists, who are thought to not fully understand that the Shard is a massive man-made structure in central London, intended to scale the building in order to protect the fragile Arctic environment. London police commented that, “We believe it is possible that the activist have become confused as to what is at the top of the Shard, perhaps from reading Jack and the Bean stalk or from too much exposure to the Harry Potter novels. It remains unclear.”

The Arctic, which has long been located at the northern most part of the planet, has been the subject of numerous climbing activities by Greenpeace, though rarely on location. Describing today’s heroic climb, the organisation stated, “If Shell, BP, Total and all the other oil and gas companies that intend to destroy the Arctic can’t hear us from down here at street level, they sure as shit will hear us from 310m up that mountain of glass!”

4D Printer Accidentally Unveiled at New York’s 1964 World’s Fair

July 10, 2013

New York – The MIT Future Labs consortium is claiming responsibility for what is being described as a “lapse in time continuity” that is thought to have occurred sometime in mid May, according to affidavits released today. The consortium, which was scheduled to make a major announcement regarding new and unprecedented technology on June 17th, abruptly cancelled the event without explanation. It is rumored that the team of world-class scientists had developed a 4D printer, technology similar to the burgeoning 3D technology commercially available today. In the complaint filed on behalf of Time Printing Inc., lawyers argue that images and descriptions matching an advanced piece of modern technology have surfaced in documentation regarding the 1964 New York City World’s Fair.

“There is evidence that a device about the size of a refrigerator, clearly modern in design and material, is featured in a number of articles and images from the 1964 World’s Fair, touting it as technology from the future,” said Mark Roenthal a World’s Fair historian, who noticed changes to some images in his personal collection of World’s Fair materials. MIT issued a brief statement that, “At this time we have appeared to accidentally have breached the space-time continuum with a device that was created to print 3D objects quickly. We believe we underestimated our genius and accidentally invented time travel.”

The actions of the 4D printer are not thought to have had an impact on history, however leading time scientist Doc Brown excitedly stated, “the event could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that’s a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.”

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